


Things we never said

by Gondolin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Blanket Permission, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 00:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17611889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolin
Summary: "Stop lecturing me for ten seconds and think of yourself! I swear you plan to die still lecturing me. Well, you might as well give up now and rest, because I care, I care, I care! And it doesn’t matter how bad a Jedi this makes me."Written for the prompt: "You’re right, I don’t understand. Help me understand."





	Things we never said

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FromDreamstoEmpires](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FromDreamstoEmpires/gifts).



> Written for the prompt: "You’re right, I don’t understand. Help me understand." 
> 
> This is such an Obikin line!  
> And I can't believe it took me so many months for this.

In another situation, Anakin would feel bad about yelling at his Master, who was currently lying down in the healers halls, face pale and drawn, looking ten years older than usual. 

"Stop lecturing me for ten seconds and think of yourself! I swear you plan to die still lecturing me. Well, you might as well give up now and rest, because I care, I care, I care! And it doesn’t matter how bad a Jedi this makes me."

“You don't understand, Anakin. I can't let you throw away everything you could become because of your fears. I can't accept the risk that one day you might compromise a mission for my sake."

Anakin's gaze was hard and unflinching. "Would you leave me to die, then, if it came to the success of a mission?"

"I..." Obi-Wan couldn't even start that sentence, let alone finish it.

“Hypocrite,” it was said in an angry whisper, barely loud enough to be heard, but it hit home like a punch.

“You don't understand...”

"You keep saying that. You're right, I don't understand. Help me understand, Obi-Wan. Why is it different for you?"

"Because you're the Chosen One, Anakin! I can't let anything happen to you. What happens to me doesn't matter." he sounded so tired then, years and years of being responsible for the treasure of the Jedi Order, the reckless, impulsive, self-sacrificing treasure, who burned bright in the Force and always left his Master with smoke in his eyes and ash in his lungs.

What went unsaid was that, had Anakin been the weakest of Initiates, had Anakin been Force-null, even, Obi-Wan would still give his life for him a hundred times over. It was horribly wrong, Obi-Wan knew, a mark of shame on his whole Lineage. Yoda would be so disappointed.

"It doesn't?! Do you even hear yourself? Of course you matter! Who ever made you think you didn't?"

"No one did, we are Jedi! That's what being a Jedi is about! Not the individual, not any of our selfish desires, but about-

"Are you calling me selfish because I don't want you to die?"

Obi-Wan blinked. "I was... talking about myself, actually."

"You? Do you actually have selfish desires? What, a cup of fancy tea every once in a while? Is that a grievous sin now? Would you like to start self-flagellating too?"

"Don't be absurd, Anakin."

"Then answer me."

"You must know."

He must have known what a terrible failure Obi-Wan was. How he had grown attached and his judgement clouded by this. How weak he was, unable to sever all connections between them. Anakin must have felt it in their still-intact training bond, in Obi-Wan's every action around him, in every scolding he tried and failed to inject with real reproach. Surely it was obvious how hard Obi-Wan fought to maintain control every single day of his life, and how often he lost that battle.

“I always want to protect you.”

Anakin’s hands flew up in frustration. “That’s what you already said. I'm supposed to be your superweapon against the Sith, can’t just let me get killed in a minor-

“That is not what you are to me!” Obi-Wan roared, surprising even himself.

For a moment, after, the silence was deafening. Then steps outside the privacy curtain reminded them they weren’t alone.

“You were never a weapon to me, Anakin. You are my brother and my friend and...”

_And you are my whole heart, because without you it would have burned down to dust on Qui-Gon's pyre. Because I would not be the man I am without you. You taught me how to be a person when I was a shell, and I repay you with dishonesty and lies by omission._

“And?” Anakin whispered, holding himself still like he was on the edge of a precipice.

“Please, don’t ask this of me. You know we can never...”

“But you would?” Anakin asked, grabbing his uninjured hand, “You care too?”

“More than I should,” Obi-Wan exhaled, staring at their twined hands and feeling like all the breath had gone out of him at once.

_More than I should, and still less than you deserve._

Anakin’s eyes burned like sublight engines, bright and powerful and dangerous and oh-so-delicate. And it was a testament to the time spent together that Obi-Wan was starting to think in images of machinery too.

Still staring straight at him, Anakin bent down and kissed the knuckles of their joined hands, then smiled like he knew all the answers in the word and sat down beside him, silent and still like he never was.

**Author's Note:**

> The absolutely over-the-top bit about Obi-Wan being half the man without Anakin was actually strongly inspired by the RotS novel, which is Incredibly Gay. Here, have a [quote](https://captaingondolin.tumblr.com/post/173672302448/captaingondolin-this-book-made-me-gay).


End file.
